The other evening, I partook in what has become a common practice among children, adults, political activists, entrepreneurs, creepy guys in the weight room: Facebook stalking. Yes, I occasionally meander through the profiles of others, eager to find a juicy tidbit of gossip. However, since no one had compelling status updates or incriminating pictures posted, I stalked myself and found my information page to be very bland. To strangers and random acquaintances, I was merely a single girl who lived in Charlottesville, which does not satisfy the need to make a high school crush who happens upon your page regret turning you down eight years ago. Determined to resolve this issue, I summoned my sharpest wit and began.
Basic information: I could choose to hide my sex or put that I am interested in men, but I think my name indicates the answer to both. I chose to not display my year of birth because now, when I am ashamed to be 32, I do not have to remove the year conspicuously. Not everyone announces relationship status; I realize there are justifications for doing so, but I cannot help but think:
1) You are ashamed of being in a relationship,
2) You are ashamed of not being in a relationship, or
3) You are trying to maintain multiple relationships, or
4) You think your relationship status is an issue that only the selected worthy should know.
Whatever the reason of others, I am single.
About me: This is a crucial bit because if friends pa rousing do not click your info button, this quote will still be seen on the profile. I decided to keep mine as is: Life is short, but sweet for certain.
Profile picture: I have a job that allows me to work in bare feet, so I do not need to impress employers or appear professional. I am sporting a pimp hat, Mardi Gras beads and Shamrock pajama pants, singing. I think the picture highlights my character.
Featured people: I was tempted to add every family member, and one day I will dedicate an hour at work to select every cousin, aunt, uncle, sibling, creating the most epic featured people page Facebook has ever had to store.
Education and Work: Although I would typically have to enhance my job title, search market analyst is sophisticated. Under description I emphasized the ultimate goal global domination via search engines.
Ahhh philosophy; Facebook is getting deep. I try to stay as shallow as possible while briefly describing my life over cyberspace. I vacillate on whether or not to broadcast Christianity, and the decision is even harder now that the picture is a shepherd in terrible lighting. I think we should be able to replace the picture if we choose, in which case my Jesus would look a lot like Leonidas in 300. As it is, I claimed Christianity, and the next person who stalks me after a night out will know this... Perhaps I should now avoid getting too low on the dance floor. I do not put my political beliefs, mainly because I do not claim enough knowledge to defend them, and if I put that Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blond was my inspiration, people may not take me seriously.
Entertainment: When stalking others, musical interest is the first section I analyze as I see it as the greatest superficial window into the soul. I am by no means a musical expert, although those who know me will testify to my impeccable singing ability. However, I do appreciate tastes that span beyond the latest pop sensation, Justin Bieber. My favorite bands ranged from Rascall Flatts to the National to Iron & Wine to Tegan and Sara to Eminem.
If music is a window to the soul then movies are definitely a peephole. Judging my selection, I would pin myself as a hopelessly romantic, intense, funny, twisted nerd.
The next section is a recent addition to Facebook: Sports. Picking a favorite team was surprisingly difficult considering the amount of time I spend watching sports. I realized I cannot claim to be an avid fan of any team except Cleveland Browns, Indians, and Cavs - unfortunately for me. Listing favorite athletes, I simply put every quarterback I imagined myself marrying until Facebook said I had to stop. Probably just as well as my imagination began running away with me.
Finally: Activities. I love the enhancements on this section including description. For instance, I like eating, and I have the option to include with whom I enjoy eating and describing the process. I was tempted to write an elaborate play by play of my method of eating: the caressing of a burger, lightly licking all edges, and then shoving it as far into my mouth as I could. I decided against this.
There I am, in a cyberspace nutshell. What image do I portray? I do not know. However, I revisited my profile this past week and realized my privacy settings had all information blocked. Apparently all stalkers will only know I enjoy St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, and pimp hats. I am okay with that.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Productive Week of Work
This week, work was productive on many levels. Prompted by a coworker, I scrubbed my coffee mug until it sparkled, and in doing so, killed any parasite colonies it may be harboring. Second, I created a spreadsheet charting the relative success of ACC, Big Ten, SEC, and Big East schools in basketball and football the past ten years. Although the Big Ten came in a disappointing third place, I did prove my point that they had the most even distribution of athletic ability between the two sports. Third, I used the term "granular" in a correspondence with a client, which I believe increases my credibility as an analyst by at least 22%.
My greatest success this week, however, was with regard to another client. To ensure the anonymity of the latest innocent target of my affections, I will be vague with details. I was introduced to him in October when his company was desperately seeking search engine advertising advice. He was given to me as a client, and we discussed the potential growth my consulting could earn his establishment. While chatting, however, I noticed his voice very nearly resembled that of a post pubescent boy. Upon further investigation, I discovered he was, in fact, only one year removed from college. I thought this interesting, but pursued it no further.
This week our communication began as it usually does as I sent him a weekly report, explaining the various fluctuations in performance. As the week progressed, we spent more time together as he spoke with various product managers within the company about our new offerings. I contributed little to these conversations after the initial introduction, but since it was an excuse to recline in a comfortable chair for an hour, I was more than willing to listen. Since I did not have an active role in the sales pitch, I was able to listen intently. After he incorporated both "pain in the ass" and "holy shit" on the calls, mentioned the fact that he started his business when he was eighteen, and made three references to buying flowers for his mother, I decided he must be worth pursuing. It was time to seriously commit to finding a picture. As is usually the case, persistence and the lack of privacy offered by the Internet led me to a photo, and I am happy to say, the CEO with money and ambition is not extremely hard on the eyes.
The question becomes, since I cannot impress him with my good looks, charming smile, and graceful stride, how can I woo him? Thankfully, my appeal lies not in appearances alone. Considering our communication occurs once a week over the phone and various times via email, I have some ideas. Initially, I considered simply causing his account many issues of concern in order to increase correspondence. However, for the sake of my job, I think it best to enhance, rather than increase.
First, I must write in a manner that sets me apart from others. I will begin with personal salutations such as, "I hope this Monday finds you well, (insert target's name)." I must fore go the consistent lowercase and two syllable words. Incorporating the terms bandwidth, heretofore, superfluous, and the like, certainly help, but I must avoid sounding pretentious. Perhaps sports idioms or references to my non-existent pick up truck and can of tobacco will accomplish this. I will depart with diversified farewells: best, regards, cheers, etc, which are personal, but by no means invasive to the client/analyst relationship.
While emails can have an impact, the most intimate time spent together is on the phone, and this is where I must focus my efforts. It is a difficult hurdle, as I am typically opposed to such exchanges due to the awkward pauses that occur when both parties speak simultaneously. Then, each wants to be polite and let the other begin; personally, I keep talking and wait for the other person to surrender the right to speak. However, with a client, this could be seen as disrespectful, so I must be sure he is finished before responding, while still avoiding the awkward pause. Further, I need to laugh heartily at his jokes about the nuances of business, but not so heartily my voice raises three octaves, which is a common occurrence. I need to say "ummm" and "like" less, and throw in a casual reference to my availability and love for the city in which he resides. Also, I can have no carbonation or fruit up to two hours prior to the call, for that causes acid build up which will inevitably lead to me excusing myself five times in one call.
Most importantly, I have to remind myself never to post this blog on Facebook under my information as a website. Should he ever have the complimentary desire to stalk me, I do not need him stumbling upon a link that will reveal my infatuation.
My greatest success this week, however, was with regard to another client. To ensure the anonymity of the latest innocent target of my affections, I will be vague with details. I was introduced to him in October when his company was desperately seeking search engine advertising advice. He was given to me as a client, and we discussed the potential growth my consulting could earn his establishment. While chatting, however, I noticed his voice very nearly resembled that of a post pubescent boy. Upon further investigation, I discovered he was, in fact, only one year removed from college. I thought this interesting, but pursued it no further.
This week our communication began as it usually does as I sent him a weekly report, explaining the various fluctuations in performance. As the week progressed, we spent more time together as he spoke with various product managers within the company about our new offerings. I contributed little to these conversations after the initial introduction, but since it was an excuse to recline in a comfortable chair for an hour, I was more than willing to listen. Since I did not have an active role in the sales pitch, I was able to listen intently. After he incorporated both "pain in the ass" and "holy shit" on the calls, mentioned the fact that he started his business when he was eighteen, and made three references to buying flowers for his mother, I decided he must be worth pursuing. It was time to seriously commit to finding a picture. As is usually the case, persistence and the lack of privacy offered by the Internet led me to a photo, and I am happy to say, the CEO with money and ambition is not extremely hard on the eyes.
The question becomes, since I cannot impress him with my good looks, charming smile, and graceful stride, how can I woo him? Thankfully, my appeal lies not in appearances alone. Considering our communication occurs once a week over the phone and various times via email, I have some ideas. Initially, I considered simply causing his account many issues of concern in order to increase correspondence. However, for the sake of my job, I think it best to enhance, rather than increase.
First, I must write in a manner that sets me apart from others. I will begin with personal salutations such as, "I hope this Monday finds you well, (insert target's name)." I must fore go the consistent lowercase and two syllable words. Incorporating the terms bandwidth, heretofore, superfluous, and the like, certainly help, but I must avoid sounding pretentious. Perhaps sports idioms or references to my non-existent pick up truck and can of tobacco will accomplish this. I will depart with diversified farewells: best, regards, cheers, etc, which are personal, but by no means invasive to the client/analyst relationship.
While emails can have an impact, the most intimate time spent together is on the phone, and this is where I must focus my efforts. It is a difficult hurdle, as I am typically opposed to such exchanges due to the awkward pauses that occur when both parties speak simultaneously. Then, each wants to be polite and let the other begin; personally, I keep talking and wait for the other person to surrender the right to speak. However, with a client, this could be seen as disrespectful, so I must be sure he is finished before responding, while still avoiding the awkward pause. Further, I need to laugh heartily at his jokes about the nuances of business, but not so heartily my voice raises three octaves, which is a common occurrence. I need to say "ummm" and "like" less, and throw in a casual reference to my availability and love for the city in which he resides. Also, I can have no carbonation or fruit up to two hours prior to the call, for that causes acid build up which will inevitably lead to me excusing myself five times in one call.
Most importantly, I have to remind myself never to post this blog on Facebook under my information as a website. Should he ever have the complimentary desire to stalk me, I do not need him stumbling upon a link that will reveal my infatuation.
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