What's a Blessed White Girl To Do?

I don't write controversial things. The endless cycle of news and social media offers more than enough to satiate people's need for argument. I prefer to consider this blog a place of light-hearted, genuine, sometimes comic and sometimes way-too-introspective, relief. This piece branches into an area that generates controversy, but it is particularly close to my heart, so I am trusting the same authenticity will be apparent.

The past four years, I have spent the majority of Thursdays with a group of high school girls, and this Martin Luther King Day, I am presenting two seniors with an award honoring their hard work and leadership. I admire the strength and vigor with which each lives. I respect the maturity that allows them to overcome adversity, love others, own their actions, and strive for better lives. Seeing them grow has been one of the most rewarding aspects of my life, and I write this for them, as well as other girls who have passed through the program.

The girls come from very different backgrounds than I. Some are blessed to have two loving parents, but others live in a home that has been broken by death, divorce or abandonment. Some have to take care of their younger brothers and sisters because their mom is working and the father is not present. Family members are consistently in and out of prison, and a lack of money forces some to bear burdens they should not have to bear. It is their reality, it is hard, and it hurts my heart.

Yes, these girls are black, but that is not why my heart hurts for them. It hurts because not all have a strong man in their lives showing them they are worth so much. Some are not emphatically warned of the consequences of getting pregnant at such a young age, while others do not have parents stressing the importance of education or helping them with financial aid to afford college. Practically speaking, not every family has the money to meet the girls' needs, and they certainly do not have the money to give them the kind of childhood I had. Dwelling on any of this, though, will not improve their lives.

Each week, we work to find relatable ground, putting our different backgrounds aside. Not much has changed since I was in high school. Girls are catty, guys are horny, and teachers are annoying - much like the adult world, too. We all have our hurts, insecurities, successes and failures. We all experience joy, anger and a sense of injustice. With those commonalities as our foundation, we grow closer. I love them, and one of the subsequent struggles has been how that love manifests itself. It would be easier to simply be a sounding board, absorbing their frustrations, and sometimes that is what they need. Sometimes, however, they need someone to actively push them.

A few years ago we began the highs and lows tradition, in which we go around the circle, telling the others what was most thrilling that week and what was most disappointing. We found it a non-invasive way to pull information from teenage girls who do not always enjoy sharing. We address frustrations with family, work and school. The girls commiserate with each other but also confront one another when one is doing something silly. They even call me out.

At times, we address more serious issues like pregnancy, failing classes or arguing with teachers. When digging into the causes, they are generally quite basic: sex caused pregnancy. Failing is the consequence of not turning in three assignments, and the teacher was annoying so yelling was the convenient reaction.

Not once have I responded, "We will blame your unfortunate upbringing." In fact, perpetuating that mentality would be the greatest disservice I could do. It would leave them knocked up, failing school and hanging out in the principal's office. Their future would be further inclined to be a sad cycle of broken jobs and relationships.

Instead, I tell them the advice I was fortunate enough to have received in high school: "Be with a guy who respects you enough to accept no. Do not have sex. Do your homework, and do it well. Even if it seems pointless. You will have to do a lot of pointless tasks in your life, but do them with pride. Do not yell at those in authority. They have been given that position based on a set of standards, and even if they are wrong, you need to approach the injustice differently than you might with a peer."

You cannot change your roots. I am a white woman from the upper-middle class. I did not earn that, but I am unapologetic, and I hold no guilt. My parents raised me to be grateful. They did not allow me to feel entitled, and I was expected to do the most with the opportunities given to me. They raised me to love others and treat them with respect. And they taught me personal accountability. So what can I, as a blessed individual do? First, I can hold myself accountable, controlling my actions, attitudes and responses. Second, I can share the lessons that have shaped me with those who were not fortunate enough to be raised on such a strong foundation and trust that God will use that to positively impact their future. I can give my time and money to causes that will further the growth within a community I hold dear.

As I reflect on our time together, besides them constantly telling me I am going to marry a black man, race has only been a pointed part of the discussion once. It was our first group meeting since school had resumed, and a member of the organization had stopped to observe and assist. The girls were a bit rambunctious, as teenage girls can be when reunited, and as the noise level elevated, the member intervened by stating, "The problem here is that we have loud, black girls and white leaders who cannot keep them under control.*" This was decidedly divisive, as it shifted the situation from an effort of different people working to communicate to a defined inability to communicate because of race. The latter is far more difficult to overcome.

There are a number of cultural norms I would like to change, but I realize my impact will be the greatest by building strong relationships with these girls and showing love through not only empathy, but also through holding them accountable for what they can control. I sincerely believe that each of us has a responsibility to determine what matters most to us and how we plan to pursue that. We are to be stewards of our time, our money, our actions.* The answers to those questions differ for everyone, and sometimes lead down strenuous, difficult paths. But that is the work worth doing. The work that makes a difference and causes change, no matter how slight it may seem.


* Though my parents taught abstinence, I also tell the girls to use a condom or birth control, just to cover the bases.
* The girls promptly made it known that they were extremely afraid of me.
* I certainly have not mastered this, but I strive toward the goal