Monday, November 2, 2015

I Am the Loudest Person in Eastern Europe... and Other Thoughts on Euroadtrip

Surprising, I know. My laugh echoes there, too.

I never know what to write when I travel. I want to talk about the beauty, the history, the best place to go for local grub and the corner pub we found. But everyone's already written something about it, and I have very little chance of adding to those conversations - especially when it comes to history, since the extent of my historical knowledge is Brno the hero, of the fourteenth century, that Philip and I referred to the entire trip. No, history buffs who momentarily questioned your prowess, Brno is not real.

So what original content do I have to offer? My thoughts, of course.

Visit in the fall. It's off season so nothing is crowded, the colors are beautiful, and Eastern Europe just feels more natural in the gray, eerie weather. Plus, you can wear super cute outfits. Unless you are Phil and wear the same two outfits the entire time. Probably good he is not obsessing over super cute outfits.

AirBnB, while reasonably priced and centrally located, is not as well marked, as, say, a Hilton. You may end up knocking on random Croatian doors before reaching your destination.

Tom Tom, or Tranny Tom, as Philip and I named it because its voice is female and name is male, is a terrible investment. If you are considering purchasing one - DON'T! The device was perfectly usable on the highway, but I don't need to be told I have 100 kilometers (roughly 500 miles) until the next exit. I need to be told how to navigate streets the size of grocery aisles with no perceivable road signs once I get off the exit. The worst part is, you want to believe it will work, because that would be so easy, but you reach a city, and without fail, it loses the GPS signal. Thanks to printed Google map instructions and innate sense of direction, we eventually found our way each time, but we felt like we were navigating in the dark ages.

Border patrol: really not a thing. So, when you read articles that dramatically proclaim Hungary has closed its borders to Croatia, it just means that they now actually have borders. Kind of. Our interaction with the Hungarian border patrol went something like this:

Hand passports to policeman.
Policia: Hungarian jibberish, even though, come on, you know English, and our passports are American.
Me: English?
Policia: 20 euro.
Me to Phil: I think this guy's trying to rip us off.
Policia, realizing we are not complete suckers: Ahh, Americanos.
Policia waves us away... without even stamping our passports. Real strict.

Unfortunate similarities between Eastern European cities and American cities: they, too, give parking tickets. I am not quite sure what will happen in a week when the ticket is not paid, but I imagine I will be extradited back to Hungary. Or receive a two hundred dollar fine from the car rental company.

European cultures America could adopt:

1) GUMMIES. It's Haribo heaven.


2) More doughy food lining the streets. I don't even buy the doughy food; I just feel comforted by the smells.
3) Fortified cities and cathedrals. The Googleplex would be a lot cooler as a fortified city, and I would love looking out a stained glass window.


4) Free food at restaurants. Nothing says I will see you next time like a "thank you" and a digestif.
5) WAFFLES. Frankly, I am disappointed these have not become a trend in the US yet. We call ourselves undisciplined and indulgent, yet we have yet to introduce this delicacy. I'm not talking brunch waffles. Dessert waffles. Nutella, frosting, peanut butter, whipped cream, hot fudge, sprinkles, ice scream sandwiches... This is the sweet spot. They can be the new cupcake. Mini waffles in lieu of wedding cake, birthday cake... lunch.


6) Their men.

Okay, so a lot of my cultural adaptations pertain to food. Here are some suggestions:

I would like every country to have a sign when you enter that says, welcome to "said country". Tip is included, or Tip is not included. As it is, I have no idea if I am a cheap foreigner for not tipping or a lavish foreigner for overtipping. I then err on the side of lavish foreigner, but I ain't rich yet, so I would like to know if this is necessary.

Pedestrian signage - I'm looking at you, Amsterdam. It's hard to pay attention to rogue bikers when I am salivating over the waffles.

This final one is specifically to GoPro: tap into the Asian market. I don't why you have not yet, but tourist groups are everywhere, and they definitely love documenting their every movement.

Speaking of tour groups, self-guided tours are the way to go, as you never know what you will find. For instance, you may find the Italian embassy has an oddly ideal location in central Budapest. You may then discover that it is actually the Budapest Royal Palace, and the two countries just have unoriginal, similar flags.


Bring a photographer. They make pictures fun.


Closing thought: Prague was cool, and the castle - or palace, I get the two confused - architecture was awesome. Budapest was great; the food and shopping excellent. Split was cute and cozy, and I would definitely return to Dubrovnik in the summer. But the Plitvice Lakes - they were unforgettable. You visit all these places, and you see the incredible things man can do. Then you see the beautiful intricacy of God, and nothing else comes close to comparing. Especially if you visit in the fall.

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