Monday, January 11, 2016

2016: Anna's Next Steps Toward World Domination

It's that time of year again. The gyms are full, Nicotene sales are up, the Browns off season has begun, the tennis elite take to the courts to begin the grand slam tour. And everyone is wondering, "What will Anna do this year that will take her one step closer to world domination?" I only have three years until age 30, the target year for my reign to begin.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though. We must first reflect briefly on 2015. I had one goal, to run with purpose in every step, and with the exception of one face plant into the pavement, I would say I did. A year ago, I was studying vehemently for the GMAT, working on my posture, and figuring out how to continue being single - apparently even after eight years, there is still much to learn. Today, I have been admitted to grad school, am sitting with generally acceptable posture, and while I still have things to learn about the single life - such as why arguing sports with married men at a bar is not an efficient way to get a date - I am looking forward to taking advantage of my time alone by traveling. Even the face plant was inadvertently purposeful as it spared me from a dental cleaning, extending my streak to over five years.

As always, onward and upward. And fret not - getting a job is not one of my goals.

It is best to begin a list with something you have already accomplished. I finally cleaned my coffee mug. This particular mug has traveled with me from job to job for approximately four years, never actually seeing a dishwasher. Over this time, it has incurred much irremovable residue, despite quarterly scrubbing efforts. This week, I used said mug for a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. The chemical reaction of cocoa, sugar and two year old coffee stains somehow resulted in a spotless mug. The beauty of science.

Walk up my apartment stairs rather than take the elevator. 1) It's exercise. 2) It may curb my propensity to forget items in my apartment. 3) There are 69 steps. How cool is that? In a sixth grade boy kind of way, obviously...

Develop a new way to remember names. My current method goes something like this:
"Hi, my name is Matt."
My head: "You look like a John. I knew a John in high school. He sat next to me in Spanish class. Ooo, Spanish class. I once got a detention for throwing a pencil to Bobby right after Senora told us, 'no throwing in the classroom.' Dumb move, Anna."
Next time I see Matt: "Hey John... err Bobby... err Senora... how ya doing?" Matt looks at me funny.

Find a new use for truffle oil - the overpriced ingredient of the 21st century. I'm thinking truffled chocolate truffles.

A couple years ago I tried to make the proverbial she a prude, to little avail. This year, I will attempt to switch the focus of innuendos from she to he, doing my part to help promote gender equality.

Start a fashion trend. If high waisted shorts and crop tops can sweep the nation, surely, anything is possible. Over the years, clothing has exposed more random patches of skin. This year, I will introduce the elbowless clothing line. Sure, when a broad is wearing a tank top, you may see the elbow as simply another joint, but a turtleneck with exposed 'bows unveils the true sensual power of the funny bone. Either that or I will start a line of neon mouth guards and pacifiers - for all your oral fixation needs. Inspired by this guy from Boyz in the Hood:



Have a drink named after me. Directly or indirectly. A couple ideas: the toxic navatsyk - man, all these years, I never realized this rhymed; what a fearsome nickname - the dome, novocaine (both actual nicknames), the dolphin call (because I laugh like a dolphin), the clevelander (I shouldn't need to explain this one).

Get my head on a sign. If the starting point guard for Michigan State can have his head blown up, I can as well. Of all my goals, this is the one that will be most difficult to achieve, but I have some ideas.

Find the sweet spot on my Mac mouse pad, equivalent to the right click. It seems I can only tap it occasionally, and I have no idea how to do it consistently. That's what he said.

Finally, I will continue to draw inspiration from Paul - this year, from his letter to the Philipians. Paul writes from prison, that "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I love watching the tennis pros compete. Certainly, the bodies are beautiful, but more than that, the pursuit of victory is so clearly dependent on mindset. One point can completely shift momentum. You have to play each as it comes, neither dwelling on past failures, nor depending on past successes. You must be present, always. If you lose sight of the goal, it is easy to collapse under pressure. Win or lose, you do one thing: prepare for the next match.

After pouring my heart and soul into Charlottesville for six years, I am going to say goodbye. But at present, there is still time to build new relationships, strengthen current ones, take risks and capitalize on opportunities, and absorb every last bit of goodness. I can continue pouring my heart and soul into Charlottesville, because we are not done with each other yet, though the end is in sight. There is also time to prepare for a new adventure, neither dwelling on past failures nor depending on past successes, keeping my eye on the goal - Christ Jesus. And world domination.



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